Controversy, Controversy

I'm a little scared to submit this.

Published on November 18, 2004 By NotSoSmellySarah In Misc

Okie dokie, i've had this discussion with numerous amounts of people, and i think i've come to some conclusions finally. All i ever hear is yeah your a great friend but you make me mad, or you're kinda of mean, which is the truth i'm not afraid to admit i am mean sometimes, especially to stacey, and sometimes alex cause he's usually around at the wrong time. I've been striving to know why people dislike me so much. I'm not one of those people who truly live their lives off of what other people think (if i did i'd be in heap of trouble). but it does matter when so many people hate me, or dislike me or however you want to say it, it's all the same. It's mainly girls that i run into this problem with. I think i know why, it's a little thing i like to call the Capt. Cornbread Crisis. (oh yeah i'm totally going there.) i'm sick of being silent about, i'm sick of putting up with not talking to someone about it. So yeah here it goes. My life has sucked since the later stages of the crisis, alex knows exactly what i'm talking about. I hate when he flinches everytime we almost touch, (not because i smell either), i hate the fact that the girls i consider to be good friends of mine talked about me really harshly since the beginning of the crisis. I hate crying still because i can not get over what happened. I hate having to watch what i say because it MIGHT make things weird. I'm driving myself crazy. Kendra told me to express how i was feeling cuz we've been talking about this for a while now. and this is how i am expressing it. i'm tired of being talked about. i just want to move on with my freaking life. THAT's ALL I WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but for some reason i can't. I think i'm either doing a good thing by writing about it this way or i'm totally destroying my entire life. I'm not real sure and i don't even care. So whatever. i'm crying right now and i feel like a big dork. Life just isn't fair. I tried so freakin hard to make everyone happy, i tried so hard to be perfect. i thought i was finally getting what i wanted, and it all fell apart right before my very eyes. i don't blame him and i don't blame them, the only person i have to blame is ME> I'm the one who was stupid enough to believe that someone actually worth while would want to develop a relationship with me right? So you know what you guys win! okay i surrender. THE REASON I'M SO MEAN ALL THE TIME IS CAUSE I DON"T WANT TO ADMIT THAT I"M ACTING THE WAY YOU ARE. i should even be talking about this. i'm sorry.

Comments (Page 1)

Danny Bassette

on Nov 18, 2004

I won't pretend to know anything about this cornbread crisis (i don't), but it is clearly something that is bothering you. If you want to write, i'll read it. And if you decide it's better not to, well that's ok too. Life's not fair, but we make due the best we can.

carebear07

on Nov 18, 2004

Sarah, hun, don't blame yourself for anything. I can most definately blame myself for parts of this happening. I'm not sure if this is true or not, but I heard that you like Brandon, and you find yourself madly in love with him. I'm not saying I believe that, partly because I haven't come to you and asked you about it. I'm sorry for ever being mean to you. It wasn't that I wanted to be mean. I think it was some sort of comfort zone for me to be mean. Usually that's not like me at all. But no offense to Alicia, but she wasn't making things any better. I think that she knew when you and her are always around Brandon it made me mad. Everytime I tried talking to him you guys were always there and I could never talk to him by myslef. I'm sorry for never telling you this. I guess I shoulda told you how I felt. I mean you guys always complained how he never talked to you anymore. For somereason i don't think that was the truth. When you guys said that it kinda ticked me off because he had been talking to you a lot more than he had normally talked to me. When I danced with him at band camp you and Alicia were right there watching us. I felt as if you guys were trying to get into my business. I don't know. I was very foolish in how I acted. I'm really sorry for it though.

And then there was when I was going out with Alex. Some sorta of sorce told me that you said you hoped that I would die so you could go out with him. Or that you hoped something horrible would happen to me. I didn't want to believe it at first, but I did for some reason. But what I'm getting at is, did you ever say that? When I heard that you did, it made me cry thinking that someone wanted me to die that I thought was my friend. It just seemed everytime I liked a guy you had to like him too. I don't know if you did it on purpose though. When I liked Aaron, it seemed you liked him too. I dunno.

But what I'm getting at is that I'm so sorry for being mean. I think it's time that I forgive you for how you made me feel. And apologize big time for how I made you feel. I try so hard not to be mean. Now that we have most of this out of the way and said now, maybe we could have a better friendship?

~carebear~
P.S.~ you can email if you want. ashgurl_07@hotmail.com

NotSoSmellySarah

on Nov 18, 2004

Ashley, this is exactly what i wanted to happen by writing this. I know exactly what you mean when you talked about everything at band camp and what not. I would of been mean to me to. I get jealous easy as well. I would never, ever, EVER or did wish you would die or anything of the sort. Rumors can get out of control. I was thinking about it the other day and it was just like i understood why you would get mad at me, i mean first alex and then bruno. jeez i felt like a bitch. but i didn't even know you like aaraon. we had a thing. i guess you could call it. see, i never get what i want you know? well obviously cause we're kind of in the same boat right now. I just needed to write everything i felt cuz i just could not take it anymore. when it comes to bruno, at first at the beginning of band camp i thought merely of him as a friend possibly the best friend i had every had. He was there for me to make me laugh when joshua was moving away. Then towards the end things got blurry i thought he liked me, and the feeling worsened. i wouldn't say i loved him or do love him ( the thought absolutely petrifies me) but it was so scary because josh cheated on me and i know that bruno would never do that. When i found out bruno was leading me on it broke my heart and i can't seem to deal with it properly. I know what you mean about alicia she really made things worse for me too. I'm sorry it seemed like i was getting into your bussiness. i just feel empty and helpless right now. and when i see you and that group of ppl like bruno, piper, shawn etc, it's really hard cuz i don't feel like i fit in. I think it was because me and you had so much baggage and i really want to have a better friendship. And most of all i want to get over this bruno thing.
Thanx SOOOO MUCH for understanding.
Sarah
oh and i'm not emailing you because i kind of want the Capt. to read this so he know's what's going down. I think this is the only way for me to get over this.

NotSoSmellySarah

on Nov 18, 2004

Danny, thanx for caring it's what i need right now. as you can tell my life's a little out of control right now. but it's getting better.
sarah

wnx_decoy

on Nov 19, 2004

I just have one thing to say. I'm sorry for making anybody's life more difficult because of my actions but if you want to keep with what people are thinking, here... I am tired of not feeling comfortable in MY SECTION. I'm the freakin' section leader for crying outloud and I can't honestly try to help anyone but Waylen without making somebody think I like them as more than friends.

I am not nice to people so that I can get some. I'm nice to people in need because I know that it's nice to have someone to fall back on. Sarah, please don't take this the wrong way but I don't currently like anybody. I am more focused on friends and trying to make sure that after I graduate I'll have a good way to keep in contact with all of you.

I'm both glad and sad that you wrote this because I'm glad you just told me how you felt but that you actually feel this way.

Capt. over and out!

wnx_decoy

on Nov 19, 2004

Ok, I guess that was more than one thing but the others just came to mind as I was writing that one thing.

Capt. over and out!

voodoostation

on Nov 19, 2004

You are not here to make other people happy, that's just a consequence of you being here.

wnx_decoy

on Nov 19, 2004

Where have I heard that statement before?

Capt. over and out!

NotSoSmellySarah

on Nov 20, 2004

Bruno, i'm glad that you got my intent of writing the article. I hate things being weird between us, (so does aliccia, cuz she deal with us too) and it shouldn't be that way, we should be able to be the good, heck even great friends we were at band camp. I just couldn't take it anymore. i had to just get it out of the way. You are a sweet person, (sometimes when you are not calling me smelly or making fun of the fact i can see my feet) and you made me smile when i needed too. Can we just please move on, and be good friends? I NEED a friend. And i can talk to ashley now! hoorah!!!!

NotSoSmellySarah

on Nov 20, 2004

Oh i just wanted to tell you bruno how happy i am to finally tell you this. I feel SOOOOOOOOO much better. yeah i was going to call you and talk to you but alicia won't let me. it's like 2 am. she's a real fun sucker. we did some crazy stuf at the movies we'll tell you tomorrow.

carebear07

on Nov 20, 2004

Heh, I hope you don't go ahead and print this out Sarah. I got to get on b/c my parents aren't home. So they don't know...shhhh! lol. My sources that did tell me that you wished I died said that if you said you never said that then you are lying. But for some reason I don't think you are. And you shouldn't feel like a "bitch". I guess I should kinda be the one feeling like that. And the whole thing about Brandon leading you on.....well I kinda thought that he was at first. And I got mad b/c he told me that he didn't like anyone. So I thought he was lying or something, or just didn't want to tell me. Then I thought about it, Brandon would never do that to anyone, and I know he wouldn't lie to me. I felt really stupid for thinking that he would lead anyone on or lie to anyone. Then I talked to Alex about it, he told me that Brandon said he was never ever leading you on. I kinda felt bad for you b/c you felt he liked you and he really didn't. It all reminded me of when Jessica, Sam, Bobbi, and some others kept telling me last year and over the summer that they were for sure Brandon liked me. I told them I knew he didn't, but they just didn't want to believe me. Then they just kept pressuring it, on me and him. Which obviously made things worse. I thought at band camp he was avoiding me for that reason. Like it was my fault people kept on pressuring. So I thought he might have been trying to make me feel bad by hanging out with you and Alicia. But then again....I thought....nah, he wouldn't do that. So therefore I didn't know what to think. It was all a big mess there. Sam got mad at me and Alex, boy if that wasn't something. But I guess that's not the point of this. And don't say that you don't fit in with us. You're a great person Sarah. Maybe it's because some people aren't ready enough to let you fit in. So it's their fault, not yours. I tried to let you fit in along time ago, like last year, until you started doing w/e you wanna call it when I was going out with Alex. It made me put up kind of a security barrier against you. So maybe I'm the reason you don't feel you fit in.

Gosh.....that was a lot! lol. Oh yeah, another thing that comes to mind. About a month or so ago Sam came up and told me that you told her you were afraid that I was going to come to your house while you were sleeping and slit your throat. I don't know if that's true or not, but you should definately know that I would never do that to you, or anyone. I'm not that kinda of person. Especially if I want to get into Heaven, im not going to go and kill someone. lol. Ok, I'm glad we're getting things out! It's helped out a lot! So I guess now we can start over and have a better friendship!

~carebear~

P.S.~ heh, that was awesome seeing you at the mall last night. lol. I wasn't expecting you to be there.

wnx_decoy

on Nov 20, 2004

Sarah~ You know, if you wanted to call you probably could have. I might have been told to hurry up but it wouldn't have been a problem because I didn't get home until about 1:30 in the morning.

Ashley~ I'm not too sure that you should be telling people about rumors of you sliting their throats. Maybe it's just me but if I never heard the rumor before I'd be freaked out to here you tell me about it.

Both~ Again, I'm sorry if I made it seem like I liked anyone. In Sarah's case all I can say is that I think what ashley said is the only way for me to explain it. Of course, there is a little more to it that most people don't understand but that's about how it was. In Ashley's situation all I can say is that I really wouldn't lie to any of you guys unless you told me to lie to you.

Capt. over and out!

NotSoSmellySarah

on Nov 20, 2004

Ashley~ yeah i know what you mean. everyone was telling me that he liked me and i was like AHHHHHHHHHH. and yeah i was a little scared of you for a while. I think i can fit in now. I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER!!! i feel like this is over with and i can finally just go on ya know? and just deal with it.

Bruno~ i still am at lost about that thing that most people don't understand. but ya know. i'm almost over it. so it's all good. we never ever talked about it. Maybe we should, maybe we shouldn't who knows?

wnx_decoy

on Nov 20, 2004

Yeah, but there's just some things I don't want to put on here if you know what I mean.

Capt. over and out!

NotSoSmellySarah

on Nov 20, 2004

yeah i know. but you know we are talking on messanger at the same time. actually strike that. we should talk about it in person.or we both express ourselves through writing so you pick.

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