Sometimes I miss it here, I miss writing something and getting a response, although it was usually negative, at least i had something. Now I don't have a whole lot. I feel empty, I look back and go "where did my life get so fucked up?" and I remain clueless. Maybe that bad kharma Alex and Brandon always told me I had has finally caught up with me. I miss having Brandon around so much that its become pretty normal. Its the others that flash in my mind and break my heart again. I m...

No dramatic exit, just goodbye

This life is what I make of it. I live with a passion God gave me for life and the little things in it. I choose to make this a positive experience, could you please cooperate with me? Do you even know that this whole thing depends on you, I can only follow your lead? Do you not see how your unintentional disregard hurts me? Sleep is a fleeting dream, I thought I had it all figured out. Don't do this to me, don't hurt me. I won't let you...I've been through too much now. Sometimes it frustra...

Okay, I haven't ranted in a long time (well maybe not that long but still) RIght now I have mono which has to be the most annoying, pain in the butt virius ever. Which clearly God created as a curse. Basically I'm not really allowed to do anything but lie around all day drinking disgusting orange juice, watching old episodes of Dawson's Creek, and feeling sorry for myself. Even though I feel relatively okay. Its really starting to make me bitter. And while I've been lying ...

~ Dancing: I love to dance. And my youth pastors put me in charge of writing out choreography for a little drama thing were doing in the youth group. Most of them can't dance, but its a lot of fun. Dancing just makes me feel great. ~When Brandon looks at me in this special way that I don't quite understand and says i love you randomly after i say something like finishing a novel makes me feel a little sad or how I cried when Oprah did that special on little japaneese girls or that he can't...

I went to Brandon's new house today, he told me it was on the outskirts of Grove City/Columbus; the truth be told he lives in utter suburbia. I was listening to Green Day, but sadly the wrong CD. I had in International Superhits, when I needed American Idiot so I could blast Jesus of Suburbia ( when I go back I totally intend on scouting the place out just to make sure this Jesus is just a myth) and laugh hysterically at the irony.I really wanted Andy to see this place because of his ardent ...

I wonder what would happen if you would do if you had really been cheated on. I wonder how you would have pissed and moaned then. I hate when people whine about life when it could be worse. I wonder how you would feel if you really had to lie in bed at night, knowing that your boyfriend is screwing someone else. Or how you would react to hearing sobs on the phone saying, I've cheated on you, and other whines for forgiveness. I doubt you could have taken it. I doubt you could have made it. Yo...

"So do you miss him?" What the hell do you think??????? Why would you ask someone that, its like hacking someones arm off, pouring salt into the newly oozing wound and then asking "Does it hurt?" You want to scream and kick and rip peoples hair out. I would be fine if people weren't so ridicously stupid. I want peace and quiet, no I don't want to talk about it. And if my mother asks me when he's leaving for college one more time I probably going to internally combust. I just want to think ...

It's really hard for you to be yourself, when you think your supposed to be something else. I was supposed to grow up in to some cold hearted liberal, feminist, lesbian on the side. That's what my prophesy was. I guess thats the track I was on for a really long time. I never had the time to be a girl. I skipped the stage where girls become girls. I always knew I was different from all of them but not in a unique way. Like I missed something. I missed my chance to become a girl. ...

Confession No. 1~ I like it when Brandon opens the door for me. I could just kick myself for this. I've always felt like I had to be the strong willed, I have a vagina, hear me roar type. But his old fashioned chivalry melts my heart. Of course, he still won't be paying for anything, but I must confess I love to be treated like a princess. sigh. He knows this secret, but I had to confess. Confession No. 2~ I had my hair done for an hour and a half an...

Hey there, I know it's hard to feel like I don't care at all. Where you are and how you feel. With these lights off as these wheels keep rolling on and on. (and on and on and on...) Slow things down or speed them up. Not enough or way too much. (and on and on and on...) How are you when I'm gone? [Chorus:] And I can't make it on my own. (And I can't make it on my own.) Because my heart is in Ohio. So cut my wrists and black my eyes. (Cut my wrists and black my eyes) So I can ...

What makes straight guys think that every single gay male they come in contact with wants to have crazy anal sex with them? Guys freak out when another guy is homosexual, and I personally think they shouldn't flatter themselves so much, chances are thats not the case. Girls used to freak out because they thought I was some crazed lesbian or something, I think that they were retarded but thats okay. Guys usually aren't atracted to every single girl they see, so what makes them t...

April Tenth 2002, I was a thirteen year old eigth grade girl, very trusting, very bubbly, and desperate to feel love. I didn't care who from or why, I just didn't respect or love myself. I was a little girl playing grown up. I had a seventeen year old boyfriend, the man that would destroy any chance I ever had at loving myself. None of my ac guild friends or even brandon has ever heard me talk about him. I try not to. But April 10 is the day that we started going out three years ago. Every ye...

I'll never find it in me, To love me like he does, I'll never find it in me, To actually believe that I am beautiful, I'll never find it in me, To stop fading away, I can't scream, I can't hurt anyone's feelings I want to offend, I want to defend, Never again, I'm not allowed to hurt, I'm not allowed to cry, I'm not allowed to hate, Fear won't let go of my heart, Its ripping me, It's tearing me apart, Jealousy rotts my heart away, I hate them, But I love them, No one feel...

Dear God, I know i get really angry at you sometimes, I'm sorry. I just don't know who to blame for all the crap that goes on in my life. I know its not your fault, i know that your the Father figure in my life, not the master controler of it, but I don't know that you'll work things out if i can't handle it. I have so much to say to you. For starters, are you the same with every person? I know that you don't play favorites, but why would you make all of us so different if you want us to...